Chris Redfield Is
by girlinblue17
Summary: A series of one-shots showing the different sides of Chris Redfield. Mainly centered on the Monarch Room scene of RE5 but could take place elsewhere. Because Chris Redfield can be all of that and more.
1. A Jerk

Hi everyone! It's been a long time since I've posted here.:o I still haven't written the story I've been promising. I'm sorry! I just realized that that story would take some time to write (I usually write the long serious stories multiple chapters at a time, or even the whole story in one go, and I'd need a lot of time to do it, and, well, I can't afford that much time right now).

Anyway, this will be a series of one-shots that show the different ways Chris Redfield could have reacted back in the Monarch Room in RE5. Some are crackfic, others serious. Length may also differ, depending on the theme. I have a few one-shots in mind, but I can also accept suggestions.:P I might add other scenes from RE5 (or other RE titles) depending on inspiration, or how much sugar I consume.:p

Oh, and I don't have anything against Chris Redfield. He's actually one of my favorite RE characters, but these stories were begging to be written, so there you go.:P

Without further ado, here's the first one!

**Chris Redfield is a Jerk**

"Jill…"

Jill Valentine opened here eyes, staring at her partner's eyes. Eyes she had dreamed of for so long, but despaired of ever seeing again. "Chris…" she whispered brokenly. "I'm so sorry." She sank back in his arms, allowing herself the chance to depend on his strength. _Why did I ever think he was a jerk again? _She thought sleepily.

"You better be!"

_Wha…? _Jill's eyes, which had begun to close in pain, popped open. She stared incredulously at Chris. "I said I am!"

"You should! I come all this way, escaping from these guys with guns, a toothless giant with bad breath, and some tribal dudes who wanted to barbecue me! And all you could say is 'I'm sorry?' Dammit, I broke my favorite shotgun! And I think I broke one of my toes in the caves. Plus, the guy who sat beside me on the plane snored!"

"What do you expect me to do?" Jill asked incredulously, sitting upright and staring wide-eyed at her erstwhile partner, her delight in seeing him rapidly evaporating by the second. _Crap, now I remember why I never went out with him all these years. _

"I expect you to give me massages for one whole year," Chris said firmly, wagging a finger to emphasize his point. "Oh, and I think you should reimburse my shotgun. You probably have a lot of money in the bank right now, what with you dying and all."

"I'm not dead," Jill said woodenly. She saw the discarded P30 device, and her eyes brightened crazily.

Chris snorted. "That's what you think. The rest of the world begs otherwise. Oh, and you should pay me back for the flowers I bought for your funeral. Those were damn expensive!"

Jill stood up and picked up the discarded P30 device, trying to ram it back on her chest.

"Oh, and your car? I sold it. Thanks for giving that to me on your will. I didn't really know you cared. Oh well, you wouldn't have wanted it anyway. I accidentally put cigarette burns on the upholstery and I got into a fender bender. At least they still accepted it in 'Cash for Clunkers'!"

Jill moaned at the thought of her beloved Porsche mutilated by the hulking man in front of her, who was still prattling on. She started hobbling, as far away from the guy as possible. "Wesker," she croaked. "Wesker, take me back. I'll be a zombie or a mindless slave again, just keep me away from this guy."

"Oh, and I'm charging you for this rescue mission! All this hard work didn't come for free, you know! Hey, where are you going? I still haven't told you about the zebra print repaint job I did on your apartment…! You owe me for that! Jill? Jill!"


	2. A Treasure Hunter

Sheva rolled and dodged, desperately attempting to avoid the blows and bullets that came her way. She craned her neck, hoping Chris had gotten away from the storm of ammunition… And saw her partner stooped down, breaking the vases in the Monarch room.

"Chris, what the hell are you doing?" Sheva yelled, as she rolled again to avoid the kick Jill aimed in her direction.

"Sheva! These vases! They have money in them!" came Chris's gleeful shout.

"Worry about that later! We – oof!" Sheva wasn't so lucky this time, and caught an elbow in the gut, but she continued, "Need to get – ow! – away from here!" She screamed, her voice verging on desperation, even as she rubbed her jaw, the receiving end of an uppercut.

"But the money! I need money to pay my rent! And my car!"

"Later!" Sheva gritted her teeth as she was thrown neatly against the wall. "You can break as many vases as you want later! I'll help you, but we need to hide!" She twisted her head around, looking for an escape route, and found a metal door on one side of the Monarch room. _How did that get in there? No time to think of that now! _"Head over there!" she yelled, pointing the door to Chris.

"Fine, fine," Chris grumbled, his gait suspiciously slower, the sound of clinking coins accompanying every movement.

"Head there!" Sheva hissed at Chris, pointing at one of the rooms. She herself hid behind a wall, preparing herself in case Jill or Wesker suddenly appear. A tense few seconds followed, her barely breathing in fear that the two superpowered humans suddenly hear her and rip her apart. A minute passed, and she finally breathed a sigh of relief. And drew another breath sharply at the sound of shattering porcelain.

"Chris Redfield! What are you doing?"

"I'm sorry, I couldn't help it! Sheva, there are gems in the jars too! This is worth a lot of money! I'm going to be rich!" Chris cackled, as he danced around while shattering other vases. "I'll finally be able to move out of Claire's basement! I…"

"THERE YOU ARE!"

The last thing Sheva remembered was the sound of bullets and her hands wrapping themselves around Chris's neck.

xxx

Ultimolu: Here's hoping you'll like the other stories too!

J.L. Zielesch: Thanks!


	3. A Pervert

"What's that on her chest?" Sheva cried out.

Chris Redfield was looking at her chest alright, but his eyes were most definitely not on the device lodged on Jill Valentine's skin.

_Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap._

The fact is, Jill Valentine was simply not the type who would wear revealing clothes. The only time he saw her skin was in the picture Barry gave him, when they met up in Europe after he rescued his sister from those crazy aristocrats. His eyes had immediately gravitated to his partner in her blue tube top and miniskirt that it took him a while to notice the young man who had wrapped a possessive arm around her shoulders. White-hot rage filled him then, and it took all of Barry Burton's powers of persuasion to convince Chris not to tear Carlos Oliveira into tiny pieces. Even then, the image of Jill in the outfit burned its own niche in his mind, right beside his precious storage box reserved for Queen's lyrics.

He swallowed audibly, and try as he might, his eyes remained glued on his partner's endowments.

_Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap._

He was vaguely aware of Sheva shouting at him to dodge, and he barely managed a roll to evade the rapid gunfire Jill aimed his way, while his eyes never rose higher than Jill's neck. He couldn't help it. They were right there in front of him! Jill did a perfect cartwheel, and Chris could barely keep himself from salivating as he watched the motion.

"If we can remove the device from her chest, she might return to normal!"

Sheva's shout somehow broke through Chris's rapidly shutting down brain. He brightened. _Thank you, Sheva! _Grinning at the younger girl, he motioned for her to get around and restrain Jill. Sheva managed to do so, holding Jill from behind.

"Grab the device!"

Chris grinned wildly. He reached out with his hands. "BOOBIES!"

A hiss, a yell, and suddenly, Chris knew what a human Swiss cheese felt like.

xxx

Yeah, you might see crass one-shots like this in this story.:P It's not my usual thing, but it had to be written.:P I'm hoping I'm not the only one who thinks these thoughts might be running through Chris's head as he grabbed the P30 device.

Rebellion598 and Kudoh: Thanks!:D

Vampuric Spider: Sheva tried to strangle Chris, Wesker found them, they die. Or if they're lucky, they'll be in the hospital for twelve years.:P

YukiAoi and Ultimolu: Same here! It's just the thought that's funny. You're in a life or death situation, so what do you do? You break vases.:P

Anyway, please read and review, as always.:D


	4. A Family Man

"You haven't changed."

Chris's anger rapidly evaporated. He gulped loudly. "Wesker? You are alive." To Sheva's ears, the last part sounding suspiciously a squeak, but that was impossible. A man his size does _not _squeak.

A quick dash of motion, and Wesker suddenly appeared beside Chris. Sheva didn't know which part she should be more astonished with, the blond man's speed, or the fact that he seemed to be stroking Chris's bicep. Sheva blinked. No, that can't be. These two men hated each other. Plus, why would a crazy man with a God complex do that? It must be the heat. Or the lighting. It's too dark, that's all.

"Still as hot as ever."

_I'm hearing things. _Sheva shook her head in an attempt to clear it. _He didn't just say what I think he did, did he? _She glanced at Chris, and saw that the man turned a few shades paler. He valiantly tried to pull away, but Wesker clutched at his arm.

"Help!" Chris squeaked out. 

"We'll have our family reunion now," Wesker continued, seemingly not bothered by Chris's reaction. With one smooth motion, he pulled off the hood off the Bird Lady. "We have Jill as the baby, you as the daddy, and me as the mommy," he said, adding the last part with a giggle.

"Jill! Save me!" Chris said desperately, but Jill only gave him a quizzical look, and then she promptly sat on the floor and burbled happily, sucking her thumb.

_Wait, what? _The heat wasn't _that _bad. Sheva shook her head again.

"Come, daddy! Give mommy a kiss!" and Wesker puckered up his lips to try and meet Chris's, only to be met by a shoe. Chris was making strangled noises as he tried to get away. "Sheva, help!"

Wesker seemed to notice Sheva for the first time. "Oh, but this won't do at all," he said, pursing his lips, while he cradled his head with one hand and put the other on his waist. "You're an extra. Oh, wait! I know!" Wesker exclaimed, snapping his fingers. "You'll be the aunt!"

_I am hallucinating. I got hit on the head by those townspeople too hard. This is not really happening. _"Uh, no, I don't think so."

Wesker pulled out his pistol, and aimed it at Sheva's head. "I wasn't asking."

"Oh, right! The aunt! Do you want me to bake cookies for you and your daughters, sister dear?"

Wesker put the pistol back down. "That's better," he said, nodding. He turned back to Chris, only to find him missing.

"CHRIIIS!" Wesker rounded on Sheva. "You knew he would do this!"

_This has got to be a dream. Ndesu knocked me out. I'm still on the Jeep. _"No, I don't know anything!"

Wesker gave a disgusted snort. "Stay with her," he commanded Jill, who automatically snapped out of her "baby" mode to what Sheva could only describe as "mad-famished-dog-not-fed-for-three-weeks-and-saw-a-prime-piece-of-steak" look. Sheva gulped. _This has got to be a dream. PLEASE let this be a dream. _She squeezed her eyes shut, but that didn't do anything to keep her from hearing Wesker singing out, "There's no point in hiding…".

xxx

Bleargh, I didn't really like how this turned out. Still, becha didn't expect it to be this kind of family, eh?:P

I didn't write this to offend anyone, so apologies if it does. For the record, I'm not homophobic. I've got gay friends, and I like them the way they are. Wesker's fascination with Chris is the inspiration for this story (if you didn't know already :P). There are times when I wonder whether Wesker really likes his subordinate in _that_ way.


	5. Emo

"Jill! Are you alright?"

Jill Valentine opened her eyes, to see her partner cradling her in his arms. "Chris… I'm… urk!" Her breath was literally taken away by Chris Redfield, who dragged her to his chest.

"Jill… You're aliiive!"

"Chris…" Jill choked. "Can't… Breathe…"

Chris relaxed his death hold on Jill. Barely. "Jill, I'm so sorry," he groaned out. "It's my fault this happened," and Chris pulled Jill back to his chest again, holding her tightly as he buried his face on her shoulder.

"Chris?"

"…"

Chris…?"

"…"

"Are you cr-"

"I am not crying!" And so saying, Chris blubbered, tears flowing down his cheeks and chin, as far as Jill can see. When she tilted her face to get a good look at his face, Chris turned his head to one side. "No, no, don't look at me. I don't deserved to be seen by you," Chris exclaimed, throwing one hand to cover his face.

"Chris…?"

"No, I'm not worthy!" Chris yelled out loud, and immediately reached behind him. Jill, sensing his intentions, took hold of his hand before his machete reached his wrist. Behind him, Sheva was giving Chris a strange look, a combination of shock and fear. Shock out of the events that are taking place, and fear for the big man's sanity. Jill saw her expression, and shook her head at her, mouthing, _He's always like this. I'll handle this. _

Making sure she had her hand firmly on Chris's wrist, Jill spoke again. "Chris…" She called out, sounding like she was speaking to a five-year old, not a 35-year old man who seemed to be on his way to the funny farm.

"…"

"Chris, talk to me."

"…"

Jill sighed. Maybe Chris has had one herb too many. She always told him too much of the red stuff could do a number on his head. "Come on, Chris. Don't be like this."

"…"

"Look at me, Chris."

"… No! No one understands the pain I'm feeling right now."

"Christopher Redfield!" Jill finally burst out, even as she renewed her efforts in restraining Chris from destroying his forearm with the machete. "I've fallen out the window, crashed into rocks, been experimented on, and hair-dyed by Wesker! Don't you dare say I don't know how you feel!"

Chris finally stopped his struggles. "How can you ever forgive me, Jill?" he whimpered, looking like a little lost boy, not the hulking man that he is.

Jill took a deep breath. "Okay, first you need to take that machete away from your wrist. That's a good boy," she complimented him when Chris finally put down the oversized knife back on his back. "Now, you're going after Wesker to stop him from destroying the world. Can you do that for me?"

"But what if I fail?" He pouted, fresh tears threatening to pour.

"You won't," Jill said firmly. "And if you do, well, Sheva can provide back-up. Right, Sheva?" she said, turning to the younger woman, who nodded weakly.

"But I can't leave you alone again!" Chris whined. "You need someone to protect you. Sheva can take care of Wesker herself. Right, Sheva?"

From nodding her head slowly, Sheva suddenly had a deer-in-the-headlights expression.

"No, dear. Sheva will need your help," Jill said gently. "I'll follow."

"You promise?"

"Yes, I promise." Jill finally breathed a sigh of relief when Chris headed out for the door.

"Is he always like this?" Sheva asked Jill weakly.

"Sadly, yep," Jill answered, rolling her eyes. "He controlled it better before, but I guess without me to help him out, well…" Jill shrugged. "Please take care of him. He's a little crazy, but…"

Sheva nodded in understanding. "I will." 

"Oh, and Sheva?"

"Yeah?"

"Please keep herbs away from him."

xxx

Thanks to John234 for that priceless

I'm starting to run out of ideas, so if you guys have any suggestions, I'd really appreciate it.:D I have one idea that popped in my head, but it's at the ending of RE5 (the volcano scene), so it won't fit this story. Hurmph.

On to the thank-yous!

Kudoh, Rebellion598, Doc Dynamo, Ultimolu, VeronicaKennedy, Michei, and Thaleron: Thanks for the reviews!:D I'm glad you're liking the stories so far.

Michei: I'm happy I'm not the only one who thinks Wesker might like There's just something about his obsession that's a little off with me.:P

Thaleron: Here's hoping you weren't in public when you Kidding!

Again, I like reviews, so please add a dose of sunshine in my day by pressing the "Review" button and typing something up.:D I'm ok with criticism, as long as it's constructive. Oh, and if you have suggestions, I'll try to work my way around them to make them work *fingers crossed*


	6. Whipped

No sooner had Sheva dropped the P30 device that Chris sprinted to catch Jill before she fell. "Jill, are you alright?" he asked, shaking her slightly. Jill opened her eyes. "Chris…" Chris pulled her to his chest and gave her a tight hug. "I can't believe it! You're okay!"

No sooner had his arms tightened that Jill pushed him away. "Do I look okay to you?"

Chris took in her blond hair, pale cheeks, and the gaping hole on her chest. "Well, er… Not really?"

Jill scowled at him. "And you still ask if I'm okay."

"Urm…"

"Never mind, I don't want to hear about it," Jill said tiredly, making an attempt to stand up. When Chris tried to pull her to her feet, she gave him another frown. "Do I look like I'm an invalid?"

"No, dear."

"Good. Because I'm not." Jill got to her feet, somewhat unsteadily, but when Chris's hands unconsciously reached out to steady her, she gave him a baleful glare that brought them back down. "So what are you planning to do?"

"Well, I was thinking maybe radio in and get you out of here and…"

"Again, do I look like an invalid?"

Chris sighed. "No, dear."

"That's right," Jill nodded. "You need to stop him." There was no need to explain who "he" was.

"We can't just leave you…"

Glare. Chris swallowed his words. "This is your only chance. If Wesker succeeds, Uroboros will spread all over the globe! Millions will die!"

"Well, yeah but…"

Glare. Chris bit his tongue to keep himself from talking. "I'm alright! You have to stop him!" Jill grabbed his arm, hard enough to bruise. "Chris! You're the only one who can, before it's too late. Don't you trust your partner?" Jill put on an injured look. "Don't you trust me?"

"Of course I trust you, Jilly!"

"Then be a good boy and go after Wesker," Jill replied, patting him on the cheek.

Chris sighed. "Alright. Yes, dear."

"That's a good boy. Oh, and Chris?"

"Yes, dear?"

"Your shoelaces are untied. And your shirt! You haven't been taken care of your clothes! And don't get me started on your look! When we get back home, I'll supervise your diet!"

"Yes, dear. Sorry, dear. I know, dear. Thank you, dear." Chris stared down at his shoes. His poor untied shoes.

"Well?"

"Well what, dear?"

"Go after Wesker!" Jill exclaimed.

"Yes, we're leaving now. Right, Sheva?"

The younger woman nodded. "Right." As soon as they headed for the door, she tilted her head in Chris's direction and smirked. "Dude, you are so whipped."


	7. Jill's BFFL

"Stop playing around, we want some answers!" Chris growled.

"You haven't changed." Instead of Excella, Chris heard the cold drawl. His spine crawled. He knew who owned that voice.

"Wesker! You are alive!" He snarled, shifting his gun to his former captain. Distantly, he heard Sheva asking him who it was, but he focused on the blond man.

"We last met at the Spencer Estate, wasn't it?" Wesker continued, smirking. "Well, isn't this one big family reunion? I would expect you to be happier to see us."

"Us?" Chris asked, his tone confused, but keeping his eyes were trained on one single person in the room.

"So slow to catch on," he heard Wesker say, but he'll be damned if he listened to him. The bastard will not get away from him this time. He was the one who was responsible for Jill's…

"OMG, Jill?"

"NW! Chris?!"

Wesker groaned out loud as he watched the two squeal loudly as they hugged each other, and then clasped each other's hands and began to jump up and down.

"YGTBK!" Chris was yelling, as he hopped. "I didn't know I'd see you F2F again! I thought YD! WWU?!"

"IKR!" Jill screamed, as she jumped. "YHTBT! TMSHTF!"

"Uh, Mr. Wesker?" Sheva hesitantly approached him.

"Ah, Ms. Alomar, wasn't it? Welcome to the freak show."

"Uh… Were they always like this?"

"Believe me, they were worse in STARS. Imagine their reports when the beepers were still popular."

Sheva shuddered at the thought. She'd seen Chris's report, and it was all filled with letters and numbers that didn't make sense. Something about a "h4ckzor" "pwning" a "n00b", and appended with a "w00t!!!one!". When she'd asked him what it was about, Chris had looked down on her disdainfully and said something about learning leet, whatever that was.

"They're a little… er…"

"Annoying? Yes. Why did you think I've tried to kill them so many times already?"

"Jill, though, WTF is up with your hair?"

Jill rolled her eyes. "KWYM."

"You… You… You… LLaW! JK! ROFLROFL" and Chris proceeded to do just that.

Jill followed suit. "STFU! LMAO! TTLY! OMG, do you know how much of a PITA he is?! You should see what's on his PC when he's AFK!"

"Ew! TMI! LOLOLOLOL"

Wesker snapped. "I've had enough of this! Excuse me, Ms. Alomar," and he strode over to where the two were rolling on the floor, laughing their asses of. "FTSAATSFDNORUAOTDA," and in so saying, killed the two BFFLs.

xxx

Sorry for the lack of updates.x_x I had to research on this a bit, since, well, there's way too much txtspeak here.:D I only invented one acronym there (can you guess what that is?), but if you're a little confused with what all those acronyms mean, give me a heads-up so I can post what they stand for. Thanks to BSAAgent Radar and Cloudtail4ever for the suggestion! Hope the story sat well with you *crosses fingers*

BSAAgent Radar: Oh wow! That's one of the biggest compliments I got here in ! Thank you so much!:) I'll definitely check your story out. Good luck with writing!:)

Riddlebox89: I could do that.:) I was just thinking of sticking to the Monarch room just because I wanted to play with a single scene in the game.

Vampuric Spider: Thanks!:D Glad you're liking it!

Ultimolu: Haha! It's funny how there are no practical stuff they do in-game. No one eats, no one goes to the bathroom, no one needs to tie their shoelaces.:D

J.L. Zielesch: Thanks! It's always great hearing from you.:D

Garfsan: Yep, definitely taking suggestions.:) Thanks for what you gave!

Romantic Jester: I love it! I might do it on a separate story though. Unless… Haha! Just had an idea on how to do just that for "Chris Redfield Is"!*evil laugh* Thanks for the suggestion!


	8. A Songbird

"Jill?" Chris gasped out, his tone incredulous as the hood of the cloaked woman fell. Even with her bleached hair and pale eyes, there was no mistaking who she was. Jill Valentine, his former partner, in more ways than one. Vaguely, he could hear Wesker speaking. His eyes were only focused on her, and they were rapidly filling with moisture. He could remember the first time he laid eyes on her, when she stepped in the STARS office to meet her new teammates. The time he saved her from the Cerberi in the Arklay forest. The time he rescued her from that room in the Spencer mansion. He sniffed audibly. "Jill…" The first time they went on a date. The first time they kissed. The first time they… "Hey!" Chris yelped, glaring at Sheva, who had shoved him from behind. "I was having a trip down memory lane, you know!"

"While you were reminiscing, they were shooting at us!" Sheva snapped back, inclining her head at Wesker and Jill, who had raised their firearms in their direction. "If I hadn't pushed you, your head would've exploded into a million pieces! Not that it needs any help in the scattered part," Sheva muttered to herself.

"Jill wouldn't do that, she adores me!" A burst of submachine gun firing, and Chris and Sheva barely managed to hide behind a pillar to escape being torn into pieces. "Oh yeah? Well, this is a really lovely way of showing how much she loves you!" Sheva yelled. "Face it, Chris! She's working for the other side! What are we going to do?"

Chris shook his head. _No, it couldn't be. Not _his _Jill. _"I know! I have a plan!"

"Well, what is it?" Sheva asked, even as she returned fire at Wesker and Jill. Chris immediately slapped her hand. "What the hell, Chris?"

"Don't you dare shoot at Jill!" Chris snarled. "I said I have a plan!"

"Well, then on with it!" Sheva shrieked. Her hand stung. It wasn't a joke to be slapped by a hand about the same size of ham.

"Well, then, here it goes!" Taking a deep breath, Chris came from behind the pillar, turned towards Jill and Wesker, and…

"Too MAny bilLIOn peoPLE, rUNNiNG ARounD the PLAnet. WhAT is the CHAnce in hEAVen that YOU'd fIND YOUR WAY to mE?"

"What the f…?" Sheva asked, staring in horror at her partner, who was belting out (at least, that's what it looked like to her) the song with all his heart. Behind him, he could see Wesker sneering and Jill grimacing as they prepared to shoot the hapless man. She tried to drag Chris away, but he shrugged her hand off, and continued warbling.

"TELl Me whAT is thIS SWEet senSATion. It'S A miRACle thAT's hapPENed. ThOUgh I sEARChed for an explanation, ONly oNe thING it cOUld bE…"

"What the HELL are you doing, Chris?" Sheva hissed, pulling Chris down in time, bullets flying where their heads had been a few seconds ago.

Chris glared right back at her. "It's our couple's song!"

"What the freaking hell are you talking about?"

"It's our song! Mine and Jill's! She's bound to remember if I sing it to her. She said my voice reminds her of angels!" Sheva looked at him in amazement, and then back at Jill. Maybe Jill is just that nice, or she's just plain deaf. The only time that Chris Redfield could sound like angels as he sang would be if all the bats in hell escaped, stole the angels' halos, and lodged it in their throats for good measure. "Now if you'll excuse me…" Chris gave a dramatic little cough, and continued to belt out…

"ThAt I Was boRn fOR YOOOUUUU. It was wRITTen in thE sTaRs! YeS I wAs boRn fOr YOOOUUU. And the cHoiCe was nEVer OURs…"

Sheva had to hand it to him. He was the only one who she heard say choice in three separate syllables. The force of his voice shattered the vases in the Monarch room. Sheva was willing to bet that if they were still in that underground maze, Chris's voice alone would have shattered those sunlight-focusing mechanisms. Valiantly, Sheva tried to pull him away again, evading the gunfire and kicks aimed by the two along the way. "Chris, get a grip! That won't work on her!"

"No. It's. Our. Song. She's going to remember! I know she will! Look at her face! She's remembering! See? See?"

Sheva risked a chance at Jill. If the raging mad/contorted expression Jill was wearing and the banshee screams tearing out of her lungs indicated that she was remembering, then she probably was. As it were, Sheva wouldn't bet any money on it. "Come on!"

"It's aS If the pOWers of the uNivErSe COnspiREd to MAke YOOOUUUU mINe. And tILL the dAY I diE I bLEsSed the dAY tHat I wAS boRN fOOor yoouuu."

"No!"

The two turned around, with Chris still belting out, to find Wesker's sunglasses shattering. "These were custom-made! You'll pay for that, Chris!" Wesker lunged, but flew against the wall, knocked back by Chris's fearsome voice. The BSAA agent began walking towards him, still singing even as he gestured to emphasize his song, and Wesker began curling into a little ball and whimpering.

"Chris, look!" As he turned around, he saw Jill also on the floor, writhing, the device on her chest giving off sparks. "Your song is actually working! Just one more line, Chris!" Sheva laughed in delight.

Chris obliged. Throwing his hands towards Jill dramatically, he belted out, "And tILL the dAY I diE I bLEsSed the dAY tHat I wAS boRN fOOor YOOOUUUU!"

The P30 device harmlessly clattered on the ground. Chris immediately ran to Jill's side and cradled her in his arms. The blond woman's eyes fluttered open, and lit up immediately when she saw who was holding her. "Chris… It's our song."

Chris looked triumphantly at Sheva. "See? I told you she'd remember."

Sheva could only shake her head as she surveyed the scene in front of her. Her eyes fell on Wesker, who was sniveling on the ground. "Have you ever thought of filing a license on the BSAA for your secret weapon?"

xxx

I think this was funnier in my head.x_x Anyway, let me know what you think. The cheesy song I heard somewhere, and it triggered this story. In case you got confused with the weird cases change in the song, I wanted to show how weirdly Chris was singing it.:P You know those singers who come up with really weird ways of saying words in the songs? Yeah, imagine that, and multiply by a thousand to get Chris's singing voice. I blame Terry Pratchett for the nonsensical stories I've been writing. Sorry for the lack of updates. I haven't abandoned this story yet, I've still got a few more to put in here.

BSAAgent Radar, KT324, Ultimolu, Vampuric Spider, GreyedSoul218, Cloudtail4ever: Thanks for the reviews! I'm glad you liked it! The BFFL story was the most fun one I've written in the series so

Before I forget, L33t translator as requested by riddlebox89 :P I'll just put in the not-so-common ones:

YGTBK: You've got to be kidding

F2F: Face to Face

WWU: Where were you?

YHTBT: You had to be there

TMSHTF: Too much s*** hit the fan

KWYM: Know what you mean

PITA: Pain in the ass

TMI: Too much information

FTSAATSFDNORUAOTDA: F*** these stupid ass acronyms, they're so f**king dumb, no one really uses any of them, dumba**

And my favorite: LLaW: Look like a Wesker.:D I guess Wesker has heard this way too many times back in their STARS days and that's why he


	9. Misogynistic

"You can't be serious!"

Chris Redfield gritted his teeth as he glared at Sheva Alomar, who looked innocently back at him. The woman was nothing but trouble! All she did was complain, try to back out, and insult him by implying he didn't really know what he was saying. Yes, he knew how his _real _partner looked like, thank you very much. It didn't help matters that she was hardheaded and stubborn, and would try to put one over him every chance she gets. The newest source of irritation was when he asked her (and quite nicely, he might add) to pick up the rifle ammo that was conveniently lying around. It wasn't like he was just doing it to spite her. Nope. It's just that every spare pocket he has was already filled with weapons and ammo (he had every kind of weaponry on his back to make a small country nervous) and he couldn't find a place for the bullets. That was all. He scowled, remembering Sheva's expression. Innocent, bah! He knew for a fact that _she _had a lot of room to spare, if she only threw out all those extra handgun ammo she kept picking up, even if she knew for a fact that they had practically unlimited supplies of that. But no, she just had to go and prioritize those stupid handgun bullets, never mind if Chris needed to snipe some of those Kipepeos. Chris bit his tongue to prevent himself from pulling rank on her. When he tried to remind her (quite nicely, _again_) that he was a higher-ranking officer and a member of the Original Eleven, Sheva had smiled smugly at him and said that since they were in Africa, they were on _her _turf and hence is the one in charge. It was all he could do not to throw himself in the crocodile-infested river. He knew it was a mistake when he found out his partner was a woman. Jill and Claire were the only females he could get along with (well, maybe his mother too, but he couldn't remember her), and so far, his theory has never been proven wrong. They were nagging, spiteful, and just plain mean. _Just wait for Jill, _he muttered for what seemed like the hundredth time since the mission started. _Once you find her, you'll get her back as your partner, and say bye-bye to this one. _With that thought, he kicked open the stone door effortlessly.

A woman in white awaited them. Excella Gionne. He caught the smirk on her face as she turned around, and it was all he could do to open fire and wipe that damn expression off.

"Excella Gionne!" _No duh, Alomar. _"Stop right there!"

Excella clapped mockingly. "Bravo."

"Damn it, where's Jill?" Chris growled out.

"Jill? Maybe I'll tell you, maybe I won't."

With those mocking words, Chris snapped. Roaring a yell of rage, he opened fire indiscriminately. Women!

"You! You look like an overripe melon!"

"You! Even if we're in Africa, I'm still part of the Original Eleven! And I'm older than you, so there!"

"And you!" He screamed at Wesker, who was stepping down the stairs. "You look like a woman too!"

In his fury, he began shooting all over the place. One of his bullets (He had a brief moment of satisfaction in knowing he didn't need _Sheva's_ stock of handgun ammo) accidentally hit the P30 device on Jill's chest, and it immediately fizzled out and died, causing her to collapse on the ground and unfurl the cloak, showing her face.

"Jill!" Chris cried happily, immediately stopping his trigger-happy manic episode, "You're really alive! I can finally have you as my partner a—"

"What took you so long?"

"AAARGH!"

xxx

Just so you know, I love being a girl.:D The story is dedicated to the people who got pissed off at Sheva's AI, who would pick up and hand off handgun ammo while ignoring everything else, and would snip at you if you ask her to do something for you.

Anyway, R&R please.:) I really wanna know what you think of the one-shots so far, and again, I'm accepting suggestions. Speaking of, I haven't written stories based on two suggestions made already.:o


	10. A Star

"Stop playing around, we want some answers!" Chris yelled, holding his handgun to Excella's face.

"You haven't changed." The drawling voice was familiar to Chris, and his anger boiled to a burning pitch. His face contorted in rage. "Wesker, you are alive."

"We last met… at the Spencer estate, wasn't it?" Wesker's voice coolly continued. "Well, isn't this one big family reunion. I'd expect you to be happier to see us."

"Us?" A note of confusion entered Chris's voice.

Wesker's lips curled into a slow, malicious smile. "So slow to catch on," and in so saying, removed the hood of the woman that Chris unmasked just seconds ago.

"Jill?" Chris gasped out.

"Are you sure that's her?" Sheva asked him, her tone incredulous.

"The one and only," Wesker sneered. Jill whipped off her cloak and moved with almost lightning speed towards Chris and Sheva. Her elbow was centimeters away from Chris's jaw when…

"CUT!"

"Oh boy, here we go again," Jill muttered under her breath, and dropping her attack pose, went to the corner to grab a sandwich and coffee.

"Anything wrong, Mr. Redfield?" Jun Takeuchi asked.

Chris was beside himself as he sputtered in rage. "Her… Her… That's what's wrong!" His words were barely audible as he stuttered in anger.

"What about Ms. Valentine?"

"She's supposed to be DEAD!" Chris yelled out. "It says so on the script! That's why I'm in Africa! I'm supposed to avenge her death, rip Wesker to pieces, and be the tragic hero! That's what we agreed on!"

"Oh yeah, well, about that… The management decided to keep Ms. Valentine around. She's got way too many fans and we can't afford to lose them, and that's why we're giving her a surprise return."

"That's not fair!" Chris yelled, and began yelling obscenities at the top of his voice.

Sheva followed Jill's path and joined her and Wesker, who was daintily sipping tea and nibbling crumpets on the snack table. "Is he always like this?"

"Oh yeah, definitely," Jill said, rolling her eyes. "He seems to think he's the star of the series." She snorted. "If he was, it would've been called 'The Chris Redfield Show', not 'Resident Evil'".

"Well, he did appear on the first title," Sheva said tentatively.

"Yeah, with the two of us," Wesker said, rolling his eyes as he pointed at himself and Jill.

"You're Sheva, right? I'm Jill, nice to meet you. And as that caveman," and she tilted her head in Chris's direction, "yelled out, this is Albert Wesker. You can call him Al, everyone else does."

"Nice to meet you," Sheva said politely, shaking their hands in turn. "So what happens next?"

"Well, Chris is going to start yelling about all the injustices he felt he went through so far," Wesker said conversationally, filling his tea cup.

"And then?"

"And then we just stand here and watch the fireworks happen."

"Seriously, how many times are you going to mess with me here?" Chris yelled out, waving his contract in the air. "First, you said this was a solo game, and then you brought in the whole partner system," and he glared at Sheva. "I mean, seriously? A partner? Do I look lame enough to need a partner? Have you seen my guns?" And he proceeded to flex his arms experimentally.

"Er, yes. We've seen your guns every single time you showed them to us," Mr. Takeuchi said drolly. "But…"

"But nothing! I've always had someone with me in all the games I appeared in! The first Resident Evil even had me assisted by a teenager! A teenager! And then I was just a bonus character in the next game! And I was just in half of the entire game in the next!"

"Yes, but…"

"You promised me a solo game! Seriously, is that too much to ask? You gave Jill one already!"

"I knew that would enter the picture sooner or later," Jill muttered.

"And then you bring her in here again? With superpowers? What's fair about that?"

"Well, you know…"

"You even gave Kennedy his own game! What does he have that I don't? Is it the boyband hair? I can do boyband hair!"

"Now, now, Mr. Redfield…"

"Don't 'Mr. Redfield' me! The name's Chris, and don't you forget it! I want to see script revisions! If not, I'll find another game that's worthy of my talents. Until then, I'll be in my trailer!" In so saying, Chris stomped off the set, nearly crashing into the Wardrobe and Makeup personnel in his anger.

"Crumpets?" Wesker asked in the ensuing silence.

xxx

I kinda modified Garfsan's idea about Chris complaining about Jill's abilities.:P Hope you don't mind, Garfsan!

Some shout-outs again.:)

riddlebox89: Professional mode's a killer with the AI. I tried making Sheva my herbs mule, and all she did was run in circles while I lay dying.x_x

Hina-86: I'm planning to close this series with a Chris/Jill story.:) 'Course, it might also be twisted, given the way the other stories have been running.:P

Ultimolu, BSAAgent Radar, and Vampuric Spider: Thanks! Always glad to hear from you.:)

kelley28: Yeah, there's something going on between those At the very least, it's a very one-sided Wesker thing.

The Great Saiyateam: Thanks for dropping by and leaving a review! Glad you're liking it so far.:)

Anyway, please let me know what you think! (Hint: I like getting )


	11. A Stud

_This was it, _Chris thought, as he stood in front of the stone doors. A thrill of foreboding ran through his backbone. He didn't get to where he was right now without trusting his intuition, and his instincts were screaming at him at that point. He knew that was on the other side would change his life forever. Instinctively, he reached across his back for the comfort his reliable Hydra gave, and only remembered a split-second later that he lent it to Sheva to deal with the Lickers they faced earlier.

"Give me the shotgun," he muttered, keeping his voice low.

"Of course, Mr. Redfield," Sheva trilled, handing him the weapon even as she batted her eyelashes at him.

_Or maybe it's just the weird feeling I'm getting from this girl, _Chris thought sourly. The mission wasn't going as he planned. Just when he felt pleased that there were other teams that were deployed instead of his lonesome, his relief came crashing down when all the squads and back-ups, save for Josh Stone, were systematically annihilated. Then there was his partner. He looked down at his Sheva, who looked back at him with fawning eyes, and almost groaned out loud. Why can't she get that he didn't think of her _that _way? No matter how many times he tried rubbing in her face about his relationship with Jill, she didn't seem to get that their partnership was not one-dimensional. Still, she was the only one he got, and he couldn't help but be thankful that she was also a crack shot and knowledgeable in hand-to-hand combat (not as good as Jill or himself, he quickly added in his mind). "Thanks," he found himself saying. "Let's do this." As expected, Sheva gave a high-pitched giggle at the line. This time, Chris wasn't able to prevent rolling his eyes. In his irritation, he kicked the stone doors aside as though it was made of paper.

A voluptuous lady dressed in a white gown with her back turned awaited on the other side of the doors.

"Excella Gionne, stop right there!" Sheva yelled out, pointing her handgun at the woman. Chris found himself uttering a quick prayer under his breath, thanking God that at least his partner was able to keep her professionalism when the situation called for it.

"Bravo," the woman called Excella said, turning around as she clapped her hands. Her eyes lit up when they landed on Chris, and she gave a feral smile. "So you're Chris Redfield." She licked her lips seductively, "I've heard so much about _you."_

Chris groaned out loud. Not _her _too. It was bad enough that Sheva acted that way. It was even more horrible when the lady Majini tried to bat their eyelashes at him even when they tried to stab him with their machetes and pitchforks (Chris couldn't help but be thankful that the Ndesu and the Uroboros infectees were male, or that would have put a different ending to their battles). This was different. He had to arrest her after all, and who knows what thoughts would go through her mind when he puts the cuffs on her?

"That's a very nice groan, Mr. Redfield," Excella purred. She sashayed to his side and ran her fingers along his arms. "I'd like to hear it on a more… Private setting." Her purr became a high-pitched squeak when she found her head tilted, her hair pulled by one furious Sheva Alomar.

"You _slut!_" Sheva screamed. "Hands off him this instant!"

"Uh, ladies…"

"You're still a child," Excella hissed. "You can't take him! He needs a _woman_!"

"Excuse me…" Chris had to admit, he was flattered at the attention he was getting, but he was developing a migraine from all the yelling.

"How dare you! At least my body's natural!"

"How dare you! My doctors used 100% natural ingredients when they made my body like this!"

"Since when are silicon and Botox natural?"

"SHUT UP!"

The two women looked up in shock at the raving form that is Chris Redfield. "You two…" He sputtered. _Count to 10, Redfield. _He took a deep breath. After a while, he managed what he thought was a smile, but looked more like he was in pain, which was what he really was feeling. "Look ladies, I'm flattered and all, and I have to admit, I do look good," and he preened slightly, "But really, I don't really plan on having a harem. Jill's enough for me. She's…"

"You BITCH!" Chris found himself flying through the air, the perfect imprint of a gloved fist on his cheek.

"What the… Wesker?"

"You're still thinking of Jill even if I've been watching you all this time? How could you?" Some people say hell hath no fury than woman scorned. These are the ones have never seen Albert Wesker with his heart broken. "I took her away from you because I thought you'd end up thinking of me instead, but you didn't! Why did you have to break this fragile maiden's heart?" Wesker emphasized his diatribe with a series of kicks that left Chris twitching on the ground. All the while, Excella was sobbing on the side, muttering "Albert, Mr. Redfield, how you could you do this to me? Am I not pretty enough?"

"Stay away from him! He's mine!" Sheva screamed, pulling out her pistol and shooting at the sobbing blond, who easily dodged the bullets.

"You have no right to him! He's always been mine!" Wesker snarled, and he slapped Sheva, who promptly slapped him back.

"I don't care! He told me himself that we're supposed to stick together!"

"That doesn't sound like a declaration of love to me."

Everyone's heads turned to the sound of the voice. A blond woman carrying two MGs stood at the top of the stairs, a furious look on her face.

"Jill, help!" Chris yelped.

The woman, Jill Valentine, leapt and strode over to where Chris lay. "Chris… Are these women," and here she gave Wesker a disdainful look, and who had the grace to blush, "Fighting over you?"

"Er, I guess so…?"

"And," Jill's voice became quieter. "Are you seriously considering replacing _me _with them?"

"Never!" Chris squeaked out.

"What do you mean never?" Sheva shrilly asked. "I thought I was your only one!"

"Uh, I never…"

"Are you seriously choosing her over me?" Excella asked incredulously. "How can someone choose another over me?"

"Um, well, I…"

"You BIIITCH!"

"Come on ladies, I know when I'm not wanted."

"Ditto."

"I'm with you."

Chris looked at the departing backs of the three women, and then at Albert Wesker, whose lips slowly curved to a smile. "Let's see if I can't persuade your mind, Chris."

Chris's screams that would make Adjules proud broke through the air.

xxx

Sorry for the delay of this chapter, guys. I had major exams, so I had to study for those.x_x This is combining an idea I got with Romantic Jester's suggestion of a little sado-masochistic love between Chris and Wesker (I started writing a story that was completely focused on that, it became more serious than funny.x_x I might revisit that area again later though). Anyway, shout-outs to people again!

Cloudtail4ever: No worries, it's fine.:) Thanks for the idea!

GreyedSoul218: Thanks! I'm glad you liked it!

Sparkle Valentine: Thanks for the suggestion!:D Imagine the Resident Evil guys forming their very own

Lazy Anon: Poor Chris, he never gets his moment of stardom.:P

BSAAgent Radar: That's perfectly okay. The fact that you left a review already made me happy.^_^

The Chris/Jill one's gonna be the last story, so it might be a long way off. I want this series to end on a happy note.:P Then again, I might leave this story open indefinitely, since people might make more suggestions or I get some random ideas to add to this.

Riddlebox89: Whoa, that's a lot of suggestions! Thanks! I'm already scheming up stories to make these.:P

Ultimolu: Yeah, my imagination of Wesker is that of a staid Englishman (with homicidal tendencies).:P

Vampuric Spider: Thanks so much! I'm glad you're liking the stories so far. What I usually do is just write the first thing that comes to mind and to heck with editing. My writing teachers would kill me for doing this, but I've realized that if I edited or overthink on the stories, they won't be as funny.

As always, read and review people! You can always leave suggestions too (I've got a lot to work on now XD).


	12. On Fire

Chris and Sheva of BSAA

Stood beside each other, their eyes on their prey

Excella Gionne, that was her name

They said she was smart, but her body's her fame

Then suddenly, the two found themselves hit!

And Chris became sad, as they didn't have a first aid kit

And then came Wesker, going down the stairs

Covered were his eyes, and shiny his hairs

With a sneer and a leer, he took off that woman's cloak

And Chris found himself waking, like from a rude poke

But instead of thinking, "How did that… What?"

The only thing going through his head was "Damn, she's hot"

For standing in front of him was Jill Valentine

And Chris yelled at Wesker, "Dude, she's mine!"

With a running leap, and bullets to miss

He dove for her, and gave her love's true kiss

And lo! What a surprise!

She did wake up, and Chris got his prize!

With a moan and a squeal, and a muttered "Chris"

She pulled him to her, and gave him another kiss

While it looked sweet, at least at the start

It quickly began looking obscene, even if you're not an old fart

Sheva didn't know whether to laugh or to cry

Her heart was broken, but getting over him she will try

Thinking to herself she'll go back to the boats

She turned around and was surprised to find Wesker taking notes

Confused, she asked "What are you doing?"

And he said, "Writing this down. I haven't gone farther than kissing"

It was then that Sheva noticed there were noises more than moaning

And that was the sound of leather ripping!

Sheva thought to herself, "Wow, he's strong

"But my presence here is oh, so wrong"

With her heart heavy, she turned back around

Screamed "Wesker, you pervert!" and dragged him on the ground

She didn't really know what happened, and if it was BSAA who lost

All she knew was she didn't look forward to talking with her boss

xxx

Sorry for the delay.:/ I haven't had that much time to write, and my mind wasn't really on creativity mode, even if I wanted it to go through there. Anyway, this is just an experiment in limericks. Was thinking if I should make this a separate one-shot, but I figured it'd still fit in the series of one-shots here.

More suggestions are appreciated.:) I have one idea, and there are still a few left from the past suggestions, but if you have any ideas, I'd gladly take them. Thanks for reading! Again, reviews are loved.:D I'd also like to know if you're okay with a limericks-style story, if you'd rather have the old style back. Thanks again!


	13. Batman

The stage was set. Sheva Alomar had burst in, guns blazing, and had the misfortune of meeting the wrong side of Jill Valentine's elbow. Excella Gionne had laughed maniacally as she escaped through the opposite door. The lighting was perfect, just right for the epic confrontation between sworn enemies.

Albert Wesker walked down the stairs. A smirk was on his lips, and if he was not wearing his sunglasses, one would see his eyes gleaming with triumph. "We last met at the Spencer Estate, was-" He suddenly stopped walking, and he surveyed his surroundings.

The setting was indeed perfect, if the sworn enemy was present. His mouth curled into a frown. "Where's Chris?"

Sheva looked behind her, puzzled. The space behind her that should have been occupied by a hulking bulk of a man was just empty air. She gulped when she realized that there was nothing between her and the mutated supervillain in front of her except her handgun. Sort of like a peashooter facing off against a tank. She gave a weak smile. "Oh, well… Heh. Funny story, actually…"

"Where. Is. Chris. Redfield. I. Did. Not. Plan. This. Insanely. Impractical. Scheme. Just. So. I. Will. Be. Stood. Up. By. Him." Wesker was muttering each word in a monotone, but spittle was flying out of his mouth as he spoke.

"Uh, stood up? You mean, like a date?" Sheva squeaked at the glare directed at her, suddenly afraid for her life because of the power of the unbreakable sunglasses. "Uh… Forget I said anything."

"He. Should. Be. Here. He. Should. Be. Crazy. Enough. To. Stop. Me. He. Is. Supposed. To. Play. The. Part. Of. The. Damn. Hero. Like. The. Last. Times."

"It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me," interrupted a raspy voice.

As Sheva, Wesker, and the cloaked woman looked around in confusion, a dark figure jumped into the room, cape swirling, a formed cowl perched atop the person's head, and the unmistakable bat symbol clearly visible on the shadowy being's chest.

It would have been a toss between impressive and borderline psychotic, if the figure had not immediately began prancing around with one arm clasping a side of the cloak in front of his face after landing.

"…"

"CHRIS!"

The cloaked figure stopped his trotting and approached Wesker with a scowl on his lips, the only part that was visible under the cowl. "How did you know it was me?"

"First, even if you think the costume hides who you are, it doesn't because anyone with two eyes can see it's you," Wesker began, who, Sheva was surprised to see, looked like he was trying hard not to laugh his head off. "Second, you're the only one I know who would wear latex in that bright shade of green. And third," and this time, Wesker couldn't refrain from snorting before he continued, "You're the only one dumb enough to charge wearing a Batman costume."

"…"

"Really, Chris? Batman?"

"…"

"I know your arrogance level is high enough, but did you really think you're a superhero?"

"She said I was a superhero," Chris said sulkily, pointing at Sheva, who immediately stepped back.

"Don't blame me!"

"Well, you did say it!"

"ENOUGH!" The two shut up at Wesker's yell. "Care to tell me why you're wearing a Batman costume?"

"…"

"Christopher, if you continue acting this way, I will tell the world about your secret sta…"

"Okay! I thought it was unfair!" Chris burst out, and turned a sick shade of green at Wesker's smirk.

"What was unfair, Christopher?"

"Well, you have the whole Matrix look, Sheva has the whole African thing going for her, and Jill…" And here Chris paused and looked at the catsuit-decked Jill Valentine.

"Wipe that drool off your mouth, Chris, before you drown us all in your spit," Wesker said nonchalantly.

"Or I'll wipe it off you," Jill said, meaningfully stroking one of her machine guns.

Chris hastily wiped off the drool. "Er, well… Yes. See? You all have really, really cool clothes, and I'm just a shirt and pants guy. It's _not _fair!"

"…"

"Wesker?"

"So you went and dressed that way because you don't like your _wardrobe_?"

"It's not like I have the money to buy cool clothes," Chris said defensively. "You know, Mad Max had really cool duds and I think I can rock that…"

"SHADDUP!" Wesker took a deep breath and took great care in restraining himself from slapping a hand to his face, if only for the sake of his sunglasses. "Okay, let's do this again. And this time, I don't want to see you wearing that stupid green costume of yours, or I really will rip you to shreds. Is that clear?"

"Fine," Chris muttered sulkily.

"Okay, let's start this again."

xxx

The stage was set. Sheva Alomar had burst in, guns blazing, and had the misfortune of meeting the wrong side of Jill Valentine's elbow. Excella Gionne had laughed maniacally as she escaped through the opposite door. The lighting was perfect, just right for the epic confrontation between sworn enemies.

Albert Wesker walked down the stairs. A smirk was on his lips, and if he was not wearing his sunglasses, one would see his eyes gleaming with triumph. "We last met at the Spencer Estate, was-" He suddenly stopped walking, and he surveyed his surroundings.

The setting was indeed perfect, if the sworn enemy was present. His mouth curled into a frown. "Where's Chris?"

"I'm lean, I'm mean, I'm a karate machine! HIYAAA!"

"CHRIIIS!"

xxx

Did this in around 30 minutes, so apologies if this is lousy.x_x Inspiration was this video:

youtubedotcomslashwatch?v=4oOpDPd15mU.

Bonus points if you can identify what Chris's second costume was.

Ultimolu: Always love to hear from you!:D I'll try to see what I can do. I still haven't written up the stuff from the other suggestions you made. Sorry.x_x

Addicted-to-Tic-Tacs: Thanks!XD I felt that he had the hots for Chris ever since his "Oh little fishy, come see my hook!" line in CV.

xwittychick: Thanks! Glad you liked it!

Vampuric Spider: Thanks for the suggestion! Always glad to hear from you!

Radar23: Yeah, I guess Coke is a good conversation starter.:P

Again, read and review people.:D Thanks!


	14. A Caveman

Sheva Alomar looked warily at Chris Redfield as they stood outside the stone door. She knew about him prior to the mission. Everyon in BSAA had: he was the one who stood as one of its founding members, the one who clocked in more mission hours than any three agents combined, and the one who was said to have gone mad with rage after losing his partner.

Partner. Sheva shook her head as she heard the word. She knew that she was only a part of this because Chris tolerated it, not because he thought of her as his real partner. His true partner plummeted down the Spencer Estate three years ago, and he made no qualms about telling her that. Sheva didn't blame him, not really. If something happened to Josh… She shook her head again, this time to clear it. _Nope, now's not the time to think about that. _She looked again at her partner – her _temporary _partner, she corrected herself – and saw him leaning against the wall, poised as though waiting for some unknown signal. It wasn't as though he was a bad partner. In fact, he was really as good as he was rumored to be, but there was something off about him. Maybe it was the fact that he wanted to kill everything in sight that moved. Crows, vultures, rats, and even spiders have all fallen under the knife or gun of the mighty Chris Redfield, and he would roar after each kill, as though to prove that he was, indeed, superior to them. It could also be the fact that he put those shamelessly huge arms of his to great use. In those rare instances where they ran out of ammo (Sheva was thankful for those ancient natives who have thoughtfully stashed bullets and cash for them in those caves and ruins), Chris would run amok and bash the skulls of the enemies, with or without the aid of the butts of his guns and rifles. After seeing him in action, Sheva was no longer in doubt that Chris Redfield had the highest body count in all of BSAA. Maybe even more than Chuck Norris.

The word that came to mind to describe her temporary partner was "barbaric", but Sheva was polite enough not to say it to his face. At least, that's what she told herself, and pushed the thought that she was afraid for the sake of her own skull to the back of her head.

Finally, Chris gave a minute nod and a grunt. Sheva took that as her signal, and they both kicked the door open.

What she saw wasn't what she expected. Excella Gionne, of Tricell and the Global Pharmaceutical Consortium stood with their backs to them, and only turned around to smirk and mock them. A figure, perhaps a woman, appeared out of nowhere then, kicking and punching, her blows all landing hits. If that was not enough, a platinum blond man entered the scene as well, the man identified by Chris as Albert Wesker. _Great, just great, _Sheva thought to herself, _I'm in a room with a walking Barbie doll, a crazy ninja, and a madman who was supposed to be dead. Can this day get any worse? _

No sooner had she thought that did she realize that things could, indeed, be worse. Chris gave a ferocious roar after seeing Wesker, and discarding anything that could even be remotely be called a weapon, came after his former captain. Sheva closed her eyes in defeat and moaned. _This is it. Never thought I'd die in a creepy room inside a creepy cave. Just a few more seconds now… _The few seconds came and went, and while the noise level hadn't gone down, she realized she hasn't died yet. Cautiously, Sheva opened one eye and peeked at what was happening in front of her.

Her eyes widened when she saw the scene unfolding before her. Chris, for some unknown reason, had somehow gotten the best of Wesker and was now sitting on him, a beefy arm wrapped around the man's neck, while the other hand kept punching the blond in the face.

"Where's Jill? Where's Jill?" Chris kept roaring over and over again.

"I don't know!" Wesker screamed. "Don't hurt meee!"

"You lie! Give me Jill! Me want Jill!"

"Okay, okay! I'll give you your precious Jill!" He pressed a button on his wristwatch, and the hooded girl appeared beside him, kneeling. He pulled off her hood, revealing a blond woman. "Here's Jill!"

Chris gave Wesker a suspicious look at Wesker, glanced at the woman, and resumed punching him in the face. "That's not Jill! Jill not blond! You liiie!"

Sheva looked hopelessly at the scene that was unfolding in front of her. After seeing that the other people in the room were too busy, she turned and fled, knowing that the crazy booby-trapped rooms they passed through made more sense than what she just witnessed.

xxx

I think the first part was too serious.x_x What do you think?

Ultimolu, kelley28, Gerkyhen: Thanks! I'm really happy you guys are liking the one-shots so far.^_^

Vampuric Spider: It's actually "Karate Cat".:D I don't know if you've watched it, but me and my sibs used to when we were Good guess though!

Oh, and riddlebox89 suggested I take it out of the Monarch room? Any thoughts on this?:D

Again, ideas are very, very welcome! You can send me a PM of your suggestion, or leave it with your review (and yes, that's a sledgehammer hint that I like receiving Stroke my ego, please!)

Thank you guys for continuing to read this (especially to the ones who've been following this from Day 1, like Ultimolu and Vampuric Spider!) Apologies because it's taking me longer to write updates, but I'm still keeping this alive, just because it's so much fun to pick on Chris.:P


	15. The Annoying Big Brother

"Sooo…"

Sheva Alomar rolled her eyes at the teasing tone of her partner. When she first learned that she would be paired with Chris Redfield for the Kijuju mission, she had been excited and delighted, having heard of the exploits of the BSAA operative and founding member, and figured she could learn a lot from him. She had also been flattered and pleased when he told her she reminded him of his younger sister, another well-known personage in the anti-bioterrorism world.

That was then.

Now, she no longer felt any delight. Oh, the man was good, there was no doubt about that. He fully deserved the acclaim he was given by their superiors and the other agents. Unfortunately, he was also an annoying little bugger, and went on big brother mode by relentlessly teasing and irritating her every chance he got. She felt she was starting to understand why he went through partners faster than a hot knife could cut through butter. If he annoyed them as much as he did her, it's no wonder that only a longtime friend (and rumors flew around that _she_ was more than that to him) could last as long as she did as his partner. Sheva would have loved nothing more than to push him in one of those stone coffins they'd encountered along the way, but she resisted. Goodness only knows what her bosses would do if they found out she took out their best agent. Summoning a forced smile while she indulged in thoughts of strangling the hulking man at her side, she managed to grit out, "Yes, Chris?"

"You and Josh, huh?"

"Josh was the one who brought me to BSAA and personally trained me. Of course he would be looking out for me," Sheva uttered this, all the while hoping her reddening cheeks wouldn't be spotted by Chris. Judging by his loud whoop, he had. _Damn it. _

"You likehim!"

"I do not!"

"Yes you do! Yes you do!" Chris crowed, even as he destroyed the head of a Licker with his Hydra. "You _liiike _him!"

"Shut up, Chris!" Sheva screamed, rolling to dodge another Licker's tongue.

"Josh and Sheva sitting in a tree…" Chris sang out, dancing and prancing as he took out another BOW.

"I said shut up! You can annoy me all you want later, but not now! We're on a _mission_!" She rolled got to her feet and fired her rifle, aiming for the creature's exposed heart. Her aim was true, and after a high-pitched shriek, the monster died. _Finally. _She looked at Chris, and saw he had taken down the last Licker. He gave her a nod, a goofy smile, and pretended to pull a zipper over his mouth. _Finally. _Together, they moved towards the large doors, and kicked them down. Guns raised, they cautiously moved towards the large room. Only the quiet drip of water that had managed to find its way to the cavernous room broke the silence, until…

"K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

"I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!"

"We last saw each other at the Spen… What the hell?" Albert Wesker walked into the room with a smirk, expecting to have the showdown he had long been waiting for, and came upon the strangest sight. A petite woman hovered over the body of his sometime rival, her pistol still smoking.

"You're Albert Wesker, right? Sorry, but I guess I beat you to him." In so saying, she sashayed out, leaving Wesker to stare at the body in disbelief.

xxx

Inspiration: the scene where Chris is introduced to Josh, and he looks at her and says in this funny tone, "You two _know_ each other".:p

Call-outs again!

The Road Warrior: I don't really know Man Bitch.:o I think Capcom themselves said that the Warrior costume is based on Mad Max, but I can't remember where I read that. Wesker as Trinity = bad mental

Ultimolu: Poor, poor Wesker. I don't think he won in any of the stories here so far.

Riddlebox89: I can totally imagine Chris stampeding all over Africa in Fred Flintstone's tunic and a club.

Vampuric Spider: Thanks!:D

niceneatmonster: Thanks! Here's to more mindmelting stories!:D

Reviews are always appreciated. Let me know what you think of the stories so far.:D Do you have a favorite? Least favorite? Think the stories suck? Let me know!:D


	16. A Tank

The villagers cautiously crept out of their shanties. Fear was evident in their eyes, and some of them were even trembling as they peeked from their doors and windows.

"_Is he gone?"_

"_Has he left?"_

"_Is he still around?"_

One of the braver souls managed to climb up the dilapidated bus, peering at his surroundings. After a moment where his eyes anxiously roved the area, he gave a big sigh of relief and raised his megaphone.

"_He has left!" _

At this, the other villagers gave a big cheer and ran out of their houses, celebrating. At last, the fearsome creature, the _groot wit olifant, _has finally disappeared!

They had no idea where he had come from. They were having their street party, complete with costumes. As the theme was "Harvest Day", they came with their fake pitchforks and machetes, while some brought their pet dogs and goats to join in the fun. They even got one of those foreign people from that foreign organization participating! The next thing they knew, there was this enormous man running straight toward them, murder in his eyes. The fact that he was armed to the teeth made him even scarier, if that was possible. Still, they tried to let him join the party, and they ran to him enthusiastically to give him the invitation.

_THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!_

No one really knew what happened then, but after the _groot wit olifant _passed by, the shanties became even more broken down, and the villagers' crates and barrels smashed and shattered, to boot. One of the men tried to warn the nearest tribal village about the fearsome creature about to head in their direction.

_THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!_

The tribal men did not even know what hit them. They scratched their heads, thinking in vain about what hit their marshland village. All they knew was that all their chicken eggs were stolen, their beetles were plucked out of the trees, and their sacred idols were filched. All done by the thundering _groot wit olifant. _ In desperation, they sought the help of their army. Surely _they _could get the _groot wit olifant _to surrender their treasures and eggs back to them!

_THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! ROAR!_

Oh, the poor military. If they only knew what rotten eggs could do to them, they would not have tried to stop the _groot wit olifant._

xxx

And so it was that Chris Redfield left an everlasting impression on the people of Kijuju. They were eventually able to go back to their regular lives, but in times when they thought they could hear the sound of someone thundering up the village, they offered vases and chicken eggs before they would quickly hide in their huts.

xxx

If this came out even as slightly racist, I apologize, since it wasn't my intention to make it be like that.x_x Anyway, this is the first story in the series that occurred outside of the Monarch Room (as there were some who suggested a change of scenery). I don't know if that's disorienting for you.:p I hope you like this one-shot as well, even if it came off as strange. Just imagine Chris barging in Kijuju like the Tank of L4D, since that's kinda what I was going for.

SorenRedfield: I laughed when I read your suggestion, but I don't know if I pulled it off as well as you might have liked. Hope this chapter wasn't disappointing.:o

John234: Hey! How've you been? No worries, and thanks for the suggestions! Wesker's sunglasses shattering is touching?:P

Vampuric Spider: I only realized how he _does _sound like the younger brother after your review. Maybe it's because I have an older brother and he annoys me all the Maybe I should just change the title to "Annoying Brother".

Ultimolu, xwittychickx: Thanks for the reviews!XD


	17. Santa Claus

"Aw, Jill! Do I have to?"

Jill impatiently huffed on her bangs. She and her husband of almost five years were sitting in the car for twenty minutes now. Outside, snow fell merrily on just about every available surface. Jill loved winter, but only if she was indoors, preferably with a hot cup of cocoa in her hands, an activity that she was being barred from because of the man sitting on her car's passenger seat. "Chris… We've been over this," she said, trying to keep her voice as calm as possible. "You've already agreed that you would play as Santa Claus to Claire and Leon's kids this Christmas eve."

"Remind me why I agreed again," Chris groused out, irritably scratching his cheeks and chin, now covered with downy fluff, testament of the pillow Jill murdered for his costume.

"Because you're deathly afraid of your sister?" Jill quipped.

Chris glared at the woman beside him. "Weeell, aside from that, why did I agree to it? Why couldn't Kennedy have done it? It's for his brats, anyway"

"His name is Leon and he's your brother-in-law, as you very well know," Jill said, her lips twitching involuntarily at her husband's antagonism towards the other man, even if he and his sister have been married for almost as long as Jill and Chris have. "Besides, you love your nephews and your niece!"

"Yeah, up until the moment when they tried to break my neck," Chris growled out, rubbing the appendage. It was still sore because all three kids jumped him and tried to dangle from his neck all at the same time the previous day.

"Don't be ridiculous, you know you could take their weight," Jill scoffed. "Besides, you know full well that Leon wouldn't be caught dead wearing that Santa hat. It would mess up his hair!"

Chris chortled at that. "You're right about that. Kennedy's way too obsessed with that rag of his. It's not like we don't know he's not a natural blond, as he keeps prattling about. Why couldn't we have hired a dude to play Santa instead?"

"Do you really think there's anyone stupid enough to go out in this kind of weather except us?" Jill retorted.

"Even if that's true, that doesn't really inspire confidence, Jilly," Chris grumbled.

"Yeah, well," Jill said, shrugging. "Besides, you have the body type for Santa," she teased, pinching Chris on the side.

Chris winced, but desisted from speaking. There was no way he would admit that Jill pinched a sizable amount of fat, silent proof of his burgeoning stomach as a result of retirement. Instead, he growled out, "You're lucky you're cute, kid," and pressed a light kiss on his wife's nose. He was about to land a proper one on her lips when she pulled back.

Jill giggled and tugged on his beard. "Later, Santa. Christmas is a time for kids. Let's go and give the kids their presents." Jill looked at Chris then. "I'm actually curious about what you're going to give them. You didn't even let me peek to see what they are."

Chris winked at her through his furry white eyebrows and beard. "It's a surprise. Just know that they're perfect gifts for Redfields."

"Oh, well… If you say so… Let's go!" In so saying, Jill stepped out of the car and marched to her sister-in-law's house, with Santa Claus walking almost right behind her.

xxx

"Jill?"

"…"

"Jill…"

"…"

"Are you really going to give me the silent treatment? It's a long ride home, you know."

Scowling, Jill turned to her husband. "Just what were you thinking when you got those gifts, Christopher James Redfield?"

Chris winced. It was never a good sign when she full-named him. "Well, I did say I was getting gifts fit for Redfields," he said, more than a little defensively.

"Chris, you gave Claire's little boys miniature versions of your Samurai Edge," Jill said in a pained voice.

"It wasn't loaded!" Chris said hotly.

"Chris, they're two and four," Jill said, in that same long-suffering tone.

"It wasn't loaded!"

"Two and four years, Christopher," Jill repeated. "It's a good thing they thought those were just toy guns and Leon spotted it before Clair did, otherwise she really would've killed you. And what were you thinking, giving Jane your old STARS knife? Who in their right minds would give a five year old girl a _knife_?"

"I did," Chris said proudly. "I gave one to Claire when she was Jane's age."

Jill did her best to gape at her husband even as she tried to keep her eyes on the road. "You… Gave your sister a knife when she was five years old. How old were you, eight?"

"Ten," Chris said promptly. "And I taught her how to use it too!" He added proudly.

"Lord, give me strength," Jill muttered under her breath. "You taught your five-year-old sister how to use a knife when you were ten years old."

"Yep!" Chris said happily. "She said that she used what she learned from me when she was in Raccoon City. Cool, eh?"

Jill sighed. "Chris… It's never a good idea to give a five-year-old a knife. Especially if she's being carried by her father at the time."

"The wound will heal!"

"Yeah, but Claire's anger may not," Jill muttered.

"Aw, she'll get over it. You should see what I've done to her old boyfriends. She forgave me pretty quickly back then too, and those were worse injuries."

Jill gave her husband a suspicious look. "Did you just…"

"Did I what?" Chris's expression radiated innocence.

Jill sighed. "Never mind."

Chris shrugged. "Okay, then. So I was wondering if I can be Santa Claus again next year."

Jill looked at him in horror. "No!" she exclaimed.

"Oh, come on, Jill!" Chris wheedled. "I think I'm getting the hang of it now! I was thinking if I should go to the local hospital and give out the old toys Claire and I had to the kids there in my Santa costume."

Jill's mind flooded with mental images of what the Redfields' "toys" were. "No, Chris. No more Saint Nick for you," she said firmly.

"Fine," Chris harrumphed. After a few seconds of silence, he spoke again. "The Easter Bunny, then?"

xxx

My belated Christmas gift to all of you.^_^ Hope you had a great holiday, and I'm really sorry that this long-overdue update came so late.

So yeah, as you can see, I've taken Chris out of RE5 now. This could be a one-time thing, or it could be a little permanent for this set of one-shots. If I brought him out of RE5, I'd have more room to mess with him, so it might be more fun.:P I haven't decided yet though. Thoughts?

Thanks for the reviews so far, guys. I really appreciate it.:D


	18. Hyper

Sheva Alomar jogged along the corridors, her body pumped with adrenaline. She and her partner for the mission, an American named Chris Redfield, had gone through more in the past hours than all her past assignments, and as a result, her alertness and energy were raised to almost a preternatural level, her senses heightened to detect impending danger.

Her partner, however, was not faring well. Sheva vaguely heard him wheezing and panting right behind her, fighting to keep up. Finally, he gasped out, "Sheva, wait! I can't do this anymore. I'm so _hungry_."

Sheva stopped mid-stride, slowly turning around to look at her partner. She has heard of him, of course. Who in the BSAA hadn't? Chris Redfield was made of stuff that legends are made of, and his daring exploits and the number of successes he experienced on the field were second to none. Sheva was delighted when she heard that she would be paired up with a veteran, but was somewhat confused when her superior warned her to bring a lot of energy bars – all without sugar – and keep it with her at all times. Early on the beginning of the mission, she realized why.

Because no one could really tell anyone else that the stuff that legends are made of is actually the stuff that goes into their _stomachs_. As Sheva witnessed firsthand, Chris Redfield was an eating machine.

Sheva tried to understand it at first. He was a big guy, after all, and he needed somethingto get those huge muscles of his moving. Even so, the sheer size of his biceps couldn't fully explain why he practically devoured anything remotely edible that strayed on his path. In the middle of the battlefield, he managed to swipe some oranges and shoved these down his gullet even as he suckerpunched one of the Majini while shooting down another behind the guy he knocked the breath out of. At some point, she was hard-pressed to prevent him from running after chickens and eating eggs raw, shell and all, while a half-man, half-giant ran after them wielding a gigantic staff. She and Josh also managed to wrestle him off from attempting to roast one of the village goats using a flame grenade. It was only by bribing him with the energy bars in her pack did she manage to draw his attention enough to continue on with the mission, but at the rate that he was scarfing down the food, she was unsure if she would be able to see the end of her assignment. There were only two bars left, not nearly enough for what awaited them.

Unless… She fingered a secret pocket of her bag, the place where she stored herown energy bars. Because she didn't have as big an appetite as Chris, she ate these sparingly, and as such, her own supply was now larger than her partner's, which initially filled up almost her own pack. While she didn't have any qualms sharing, she hesitated. Her superior had explicitly warned her against giving Chris food that contained anything remotely similar to processed sugar, and her energy bars – which she packed personally because she had a favorite brand – were filled with the stuff. Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard a pathetic whine coming from her partner, a high-pitched sound that was incongruous with his huge size.

"Sheva… Food… I'm dying here…" Chris gasped out.

"Don't you have any more of those oranges?" Sheva asked, trying to stall for time.

"Ate them… Ages ago… After the fight with Irving," he wheezed. "Sheva… I need food… I can't… Last much longer…" He groaned, collapsing to one knee.

Sheva experienced a wave of sympathy. Chris _did _look bad, his skin pale and clammy-looking, and she heard his stomach making grumbling sounds. _I guess there's no harm in giving him just _one _bar_. In so thinking, she opened her pack and handed one to Chris, who promptly gobbled it down.

"One more!" Chris demanded through a mouthful of granola, raisins, and processed sugar. "Just one more and I promise I won't ask for food from you again!"

Shrugging her shoulders, Sheva gave him two, hoping against hope that that would be enough to last him for a few hours.

xxx

"You haven't cha…" Wesker's sneering drawl was eventually cut off when he saw an impossibly large man bouncing and giggling all over the Monarch Room.

"AAALLL! Nice to see you, buddy! How're you? How're you? I haven't seen you in aaaagggeeessss!" Chris said, giggling, as he bounced all over the place.

"Uh, Al?" Wesker asked, his voice laced with confusion. "You _do _realize we're enemies, right?"

"I knooow that, but I'm just so happy, I don't want to fight with you!" Chris said, chortling. "Happy, happy, happy, happy!"

Wesker's eyes zoned on the young woman who looked back at him helplessly. "Ms. Alomar, I presume?" At her nod, he continued, "What did you do to him?"

Sheva shrugged helplessly, watching as her partner backflipped, pirouetted, and twirled his way up and down the stairs. "I didn't do nothing! I just…" She shrugged again, holding her hands almost in supplication to the target of their mission.

"You didn't happen to… Give him processed sugar, did you?" Wesker inquired, his eyes following every bounce and whirl of BSAA's most decorated agent. Her guilty expression said it all. "Ah." Straightening up, he went up the stairs, walking slowly while dodging and sliding to avoid Chris's energetic hops, even managing to escape his arms as he attempted to twirl his former captain. Halfway up the stairs, he threw a card in Sheva's direction.

"What's this?" Sheva asked, picking up the card. Looking at it, she saw a large pair of sunglasses placed prominently at the center of it, with a series of numbers appearing below it.

"My calling card. Give me a call once his sugar high goes down."

"Uh… Aren't you two supposed to be fighting each other?" Sheva asked, thoroughly confused.

Wesker looked at her. If he wasn't wearing sunglasses, she would've bet that his eyes would have been dilated in surprise. "In his _state_? That would be like kicking a puppy. I may be evil and crazy, Ms. Alomar, but I haven't gone down to that level. Yet." In so saying, he made his way to the door at the top of the stairs and passed through it.

Sheva looked at the card, and then at her partner, who was still prancing and twirling for all the world to see. However, he was far from alone; the cloaked woman has somehow managed to drop in while she was talking with Wesker. Alarmed, she was about to grab her handgun, until she saw that the woman wasn't attempting to attack her partner, but was instead trying to get away from him.

"JIIILLL! I MIIISSSED YOU! Where have you been? I've seen dogs, and chickens, and weird chainsaw guys– oh, and Claire says hi, by the way! – and hyenas, and vultures, and snakes – did I mention that I saw Wesker a while ago? – and crows, and… Oh look! Vases! I looove vases! When I was a kid, I broke this vase, but I told our mom that it was my sister's fault, so she got grounded and… Hey, did you know that Barry's in Canada now? – and spiders, and fish and…"

Shaking her head at hearing Chris's monologue, Sheva went up the stairs and followed after Wesker. Maybe he needed a new henchwoman or something. This was just too weird for her.

xxx

And I'm back! Sorry it took so long for me to update this. I had to finish up with school, and then I got a new job, so everything was crazy for a little while. Anyway, thanks for the reviews and for liking this ongoing series.:D If you have any suggestions, let me know. I've got one or two tucked somewhere, but I'm still thinking if I should run with those or not. 'Til next time!

P.S. Thanks for riddlebox89's suggestion about Chris being hungry


	19. A StandUp Comedian

Just a quick note: setting is in the plane scene in RE5, just so you won't get confused.:)

xxx

Sheva Alomar gulped as she sized up the situation she found herself in. She and her partner, Chris Redfield were so dead-set in finding the fugitive Albert Wesker that she didn't think of what would happen once they have caught up with him. At the moment, she couldn't help but think that there was a crazed megalomaniac standing in front of her with limitless powers, and it was all she could do not to think about the fact that only a few layers of metal and plastic kept her from plunging to an untimely death. "Any plans, partner?" She hissed at the man beside her.

"Just one," Chris Redfield muttered back. "I'm going to try and get him pissed off. Maybe that would set him off and buy us some time. Back me up on this, alright?"

Sheva gave a minute nod, not daring to keep her eyes off the blond man in front of her. It was a good thing she had a world-class agent as her partner. She would have felt more panicky than she already was, but knowing Chris Redfield's reputation, she knew she was as safe as she could be, what with him being…

"Hey, Wesker! What's blond, wears sunglasses indoors, and is a cat?"

Sheva froze. _What the hell is he doing?_

Pausing only for a split-second, Chris bellowed out "Albert Whisker!"

Sheva felt her blood freeze. _Oh crap_. _Did he just_… Her eyes went back to the blond man in question, who seemed to have desisted from blurring and moving all over the place. "What did you just say?" Wesker said, his voice deceptively soft.

Sheva gulped. _The crazy man's pissed! _She thought in panic. _I hope you know what you're doing, Redfield!_

It seems like he did. Or at least, he knew what he wanted to say. He grinned at Wesker, and then spoke again."You heard me! Here's another one. What's blond, wears sunglasses indoors, and has tonsilitis?"

Sheva groaned. _Oh, gods. Help me. What _is _he doing? _

"Albert Whisper!"

Sheva snuck a glance at Wesker, whose eyes were unreadable behind his dark sunglasses. She then glanced at her partner, and to her horror, she saw that he had a manic look on his face. _Almost like he's enjoying himself._

"Hey, Sheva! What's blond, wears sunglasses indoors, and fails the Breathalyzer test?"

Sheva forced a grin on her face. "I don't know, Chris. What?"

"Albert Whiskey!" At this, Chris guffawed at his own joke, tears running down his face. Sheva also felt the urge to laugh maniacally, but for different reasons. She felt her impending death approaching just seconds from now. She forced a weak laugh.

"Oh, you like that, huh?" Chris said, grinning madly. "I have more! What's blond, wears sunglasses indoors, and makes his own music?" Without waiting for Sheva's response, he hooted, "Albert Whistler!" then doubled up laughing at his own joke.

Sheva snuck a glance at Wesker again, and saw that the man was motionless. But for the gleam of his sunglasses, he would have blended perfectly with the background. Sheva gulped. "Chris, don't you think you'd better pipe down?" she hissed.

"Wait, I have more!" Chris whispered back. "What's blond, wears sunglasses indoors, and likes cliff diving?"

"I don't know," Sheva said desperately. Wesker's motionlessness was starting to freak her out.

"That's easy! It's Albert Risker!" Chris guffawed again, practically rolling on the floor laughing.

"I have a question."

Sheva's head whipped around, and caught Wesker emerging from the darkness. She immediately didn't trust the small grin on his face.

"Who's stupid, muscled, and is about to resemble his name in a few seconds?"

"Oh, a joke! I didn't know you're a comedian too!" Chris said, grinning at his former captain. "I don't know Wesker, what i- WHOA!"

What Chris was about to say was cut off when Wesker suddenly pulled the lever to release the chute at the bottom of the plane. The air, eager for victims, promptly sucked up Chris and caused him to crash down at a field, where he got blown apart into smithereens.

xxx

Sheva's superior looked at her in surprise and consternation. "That's it? You disobeyed direct orders. You went off on your own with your partner. And your partner, who happens to be our best agent, got turned into mulch. And this is all you have to report? Eight measly words?"

"Yes, sir. I'm afraid that's all I could say. Albert Wesker doesn't have a sense of humor." In so saying, she turned around and stepped out of the office.

xxx

Hm. Not as funny as I wanted it to be. Oh well.:P Sorry if this sucks, I just had to write it down after remembering the "Albert Whisker" line from someone over at Capcom Unity.


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